Games People Play

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a normal (okay relatively normal) person who likes to have fun. But for the life of me I do not and probably never will understand the “underground rules” that govern the dating world.

You know that Meg Ryan movie, (French Kiss, I think) where she has a momentary outburst on why she has to seem uninterested when she is and hide her feelings and all that good stuff? Well I couldn’t agree with her more all these things that people do during the “awkward mating dance” really baffles me. And who comes up with names like “awkward mating dance” in the first place?

Anyway, one of my best friends is getting married and orchestrated a telephone conference with our other close friends to discuss how much she should alter her behavior now that she is technically a married woman. Now while I agree that marriage tends to change people I don’t see why a committee has to be formed to steer this change.

Already the dating scene in Sudan is more complex than politics, once you’re seen with someone from the opposite sex on what qualifies as a “date”, know that in that moment you have just made history. I have visions of myself when I’m a great grandmother and people will still be able to recall the names of my ex’s. Taking into account the number of times you had to blow off the date because you didn’t want to seem too available/easy, and then while you’re on the date you’re recalling all the “dos and don’ts” that your girlfriends made you memorize because in our society you don’t want to break the set/acceptable social rules of behavior.

It’s not only that, when I was first being briefed on the concept of dating by Sudanese standards, the first thing the girl said was, don’t trust a guy because he is constantly testing and assessing your actions. I find this wonderfully destructive piece of information as the basis upon which most Sudanese relationships grow.

I was surprised to hear the advice given by my other friends on how she should act, apparently the key to a successful relationship is to undergo a complete makeover. They were telling her she has to become more understanding, compromising and stop spending most of her time with us, as she needs to focus primarily on her husband to be and that she should never initiate any form of physical contact lest he think she is “experienced” in such matters or even worse “vulgar.”

So wait a minute, when I’m dating someone I should play all these stupid games in making him think that I don’t really like him and be aloof and then now you’re telling me when I’m married I should be doing the same thing? Unless of course he initiates everything and then I just go along.

Since I wasn’t saying much she asked what I thought about all this, although I understand that people are constantly evolving, I don’t see why we have to fundamentally change who we are to accommodate another person’s preference or society’s opinion. If you have a clear vision of where this relationship is going than you do things for the long term benefit of the relationship but you don’t alter the aspects of your character that make you who you are. Because, I assume those are the things that attracted your significant other to you in the first place.

Why people think that being open about their feelings is a problem is beyond me. Telling someone that you like them is only the first step, building something meaningful from that love – that’s the real challenge.

Patience has never been one of my strong points and these games are not only time consuming but heart wrenching as well and if choosing not to participate in them makes me an outcast, then so be it.

On another note, I am suspending my activities for the day as there is an un-identified flying insect in my room…………….